What Parenthood made me think about tonight.

If I’m ever in a place like Kristina I’m going to need people to step up and just take care of things.  I don’t want to have to delegate or ask for help. I don’t want people to be asking ME what needs to be done. I want them to think for themselves, think about what they think needs to be done.

I love my family. Being a mom to my three kids is the greatest accomplishment of my life, and I have no regrets in being a mom, or any of the sacrifices I’ve made over the years for them.

But, lately,  I’ve been feeling kind of selfish, and tired.  While I watch her preparing the day before her lumpectomy, I see her trying to do so much, and everyone asking her what they can do for her.  That would be me, and inside I’d be seething.

I’ve been having these types of feelings a lot lately.  Having been unemployed for over seven months, money’s gotten really tight, and I try to stretch meals as far as I can. Saturday, I made baked Italian sausage spaghetti sauce with elbow macaroni.  I made to two pans.  One pan went straight to the freezer after it cooled.  The other pan was used for dinner that night, with enough left over for 2 people for another meal.

Normally, when the youngest spends the day with his dad on a Sunday afternoon, his dad feeds him dinner, so it seemed perfect for my daughter and I to have it for dinner.  I didn’t eat much during the day because I didn’t have much food in the house, and I didn’t want to go to the store.  All day I thought about dinner.  I could taste it, and smell it.  It’s what got me through a day with no KC Chiefs football.

Around 5PM I couldn’t wait any longer to eat, so I went to the kitchen and started warming up dinner for my daughter and I.  I had JUST put one serving in the microwave when the kid came through the door.  It was really early for him, so I asked if he’d eaten.  And, of course, he said no.  I looked through the fridge/freezer/cupboards and offered suggestions for the kid to eat.  And, of course, he didn’t want any of it.  So, I gave him my dinner, and made myself a peanut butter sandwich.  Then, I went outside for a smoke, and cried.

I know I can be extremely selfish, but I try really hard to sacrifice for my kids, but sometimes I get so mad and resentful when I do.

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